FAQs for Survivors, Advocates, Families and Supporters

A system of parenting where both parents share responsibility and make decisions about their child’s upbringing, which can be challenging in complex or abusive situations. Successful coparenting involves communication, cooperation, and respect, but in challenging situations, these are often undermined by one parent’s high-conflict behavior. 

A legal term that refers to the right of a parent or guardian to make decisions for a child and/or the responsibility for the child's care. 

Personal limits or guidelines that define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Healthy boundaries are essential for protecting emotional and physical well-being, especially in abusive or high-conflict relationships. 

A form of non-physical abuse that includes manipulating, belittling, controlling, or undermining the victim’s self-worth. This often occurs alongside other forms of domestic violence. 

 A legal obligation for a parent to provide financial support for their child’s upbringing, which can become complicated in high-conflict co-parenting situations. 

Domestic violence (DV) or intimate partner violence (IPV) is defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse involves physical, sexual, emotional, economic, legal or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure, or wound someone.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. 

Generational trauma refers to the transmission of trauma from one generation to the next. This can occur when the effects of abuse, neglect, violence, or other significant emotional or psychological events are passed down through behaviors, beliefs, or unresolved issues, affecting the emotional and mental well-being of subsequent generations. Individuals in families with generational trauma may inherit coping mechanisms, patterns of behavior, and unresolved emotional pain, which can impact their relationships, parenting styles, and overall health. 

A psychological state where a person holds two conflicting beliefs or attitudes, leading to discomfort and often resulting in justification, denial, or rationalization. In high-conflict situations, parents may experience cognitive dissonance when trying to reconcile their actions with their desire to be seen as “good parents.” 

Effective techniques used to communicate clearly and without escalation, especially in high-conflict situations like co-parenting with a toxic or manipulative ex-partner. 

The legal dissolution of a marriage, which may involve custody battles, division of property, and other legal matters. Divorce can trigger complex emotional and legal challenges, particularly in abusive or high-conflict relationships. 

Abuse, or domestic violence by proxy, is typically when the abusive parent or abusive partner continues to abuse the partner through someone else, often the child(ren) involved in the situation.

A psychological condition caused by long-term exposure to trauma, often stemming from chronic emotional abuse or coercive control. Survivors of domestic violence and high-conflict co-parenting are at risk of developing C-PTSD. 

Abuse that continues after the separation or divorce from an abusive partner. This may include stalking, harassment, manipulation through legal systems, or emotional abuse. 

The court system responsible for making legal decisions related to family matters, including divorce, custody, child support, and visitation. Family court can be a challenging environment for survivors of abuse, particularly when one parent manipulates the system. 

A legal practice area that handles cases related to marriage, divorce, child custody, child support, and other family-related issues. Family law also includes protective orders and custody determinations in cases of domestic violence. 

A controversial term used to describe a situation in which one parent tries to turn a child against the other parent, often by manipulating or distorting facts. However, this term has been heavily contested, as it stems from a movement that has been criticized for silencing survivors of abuse and using it to discredit legitimate claims of abuse. Rather than focusing on the term, it is more constructive to look at the specific behaviors of interference, manipulation, and control that can occur in co-parenting. 

A manipulative tactic used by abusers to make the victim question their own perception of reality. This is often used to confuse, disorient, and undermine the victim’s sense of self. 

 A pattern of controlling behaviors, often emotional, psychological, or financial, that gradually restricts a person's freedom and autonomy. It is often present in abusive relationships and can continue and escalate post-separation. 

A strategy used to protect oneself from further harm in high-conflict relationships. This may involve completely cutting off communication or limiting it to necessary exchanges, especially for the safety of children or in cases of ongoing abuse. This term can include the resulting lack of communication from estrangement within familial relationships.

 A co-parenting relationship characterized by constant conflict, poor communication, and a lack of cooperation, often involving coercive control, manipulation or emotional abuse.

Support provided by individuals who have shared similar experiences, offering understanding, guidance, and encouragement. This type of support can be invaluable for survivors, as it creates a sense of community and shared strength. 

The emotional, physical, and psychological response to loss, whether through death, separation, or trauma. Survivors of abuse may experience complex grief as they process the loss of relationships, trust, and safety.  

The process by which survivors reclaim their power, voice, and agency after abuse. Empowerment involves healing from trauma, building confidence, and learning how to set healthy boundaries. 

A legal order issued by the court to protect an individual from harassment, threats, or harm by another person. It may restrict the abuser’s contact with the victim and can be crucial for ensuring safety, especially for those co-parenting with an abusive ex. 

A form of emotional bullying, often used in high-conflict co-parenting or toxic family dynamics. It involves behaviors such as gossip, exclusion, and spreading lies to harm someone’s relationships or reputation. 

The capacity to recover from or adapt to adversity, trauma, or hardship. Resilience is an essential trait for survivors of abuse, as it enables them to rebuild their lives and create healthier dynamics for themselves and their families. 

A set of practical steps and strategies designed to help individuals protect themselves in dangerous or abusive situations. This includes emergency contacts, safe places to go, and steps for leaving an abusive situation if necessary. 

The practice of taking time for oneself to recharge physically, emotionally, and mentally. In a "best case scenario," survivors of trauma, high-conflict co-parents, and those navigating divorce should prioritize self-care to ensure their emotional well-being. However, many survivors are focusing on simply surviving and doing what needs to be done for their families, and self-care is unfortunately more of a luxury. 

The choice to abstain from alcohol or drugs, which can play a significant role in healing from trauma. Navigating sobriety alongside parenting and co-parenting can present unique challenges, especially for those actively recovering from addiction. Sobriety doesn't necessarily mean that an individual was experiencing addiction - rather, culturally, it is becoming more and more acceptable (and encouraged) to remove mind-altering substances and toxins from ones life. Sobriety, and it's exact definition, is unique to each person.

An approach to supporting survivors that recognizes the impact of trauma and incorporates practices that prioritize safety, empathy, and empowerment. This approach is essential in all forms of support, including therapy, legal assistance, and peer-to-peer guidance. 

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a manipulation tactic where the abuser denies their actions, attacks the victim, and then shifts the blame by portraying themselves as the victim. This tactic aims to confuse and control the victim, often deflecting responsibility from the abuser. 

A "flying monkey" is a term used to describe someone who is manipulated by an abuser to carry out their bidding, often by spreading lies, gathering information, or pressuring the victim. This term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the flying monkeys do the witch’s dirty work. In abusive dynamics, the flying monkey may unknowingly or willingly do the abuser’s bidding, further isolating or harming the victim. 

A blended family is a family structure where one or both parents have children from previous relationships, and these children are integrated into a new family unit with a stepparent and possibly half-siblings. This family dynamic often involves navigating complex relationships, coparenting arrangements, and the challenges of combining different family cultures, all while creating a cohesive, supportive environment for the children and parents involved.

Blended families do not require a piece of paper or a biological relationship to exist - rather, the members within the family unit make a choice about how to love each other and what their titles are.

Estrangement refers to the breakdown of a relationship, particularly between adult children and their parents. It can occur due to unresolved conflicts, emotional abuse, or unhealthy family dynamics, leading to a disconnection or severing of ties. In some cases, estrangement is a protective measure, where the adult child chooses to distance themselves to preserve their mental health and well-being, especially when toxic behaviors or manipulation are present. 

Parallel parenting is a strategy used in complex co-parenting situations where parents minimize direct contact and instead focus on making independent decisions regarding their children during their custodial time. It helps reduce conflict and ensures that both parents maintain active involvement in their children’s lives without engaging in direct disputes. 

Effective communication in complex or high-conflict coparenting situations requires setting clear, respectful boundaries, focusing on the children’s needs, and avoiding personal attacks. Tools like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents can be invaluable for improving communication and reducing conflict. 

Legal custody refers to the right to make major decisions about a child's life, such as education, healthcare, and religion. Physical custody refers to where the child lives on a daily basis.

A parent with primary physical custody is responsible for the child’s care and the other parent can have visitation, the parents can jointly share physical custody, or a party can have sole physical custody.

Legal custody can be joint (shared) or sole (with one parent), or one parent can be empowered with final decision-making authority even in situations of joint legal custody.

Protecting your children's emotional well-being requires creating a stable environment, prioritizing their needs, and maintaining consistent routines. It’s also essential to avoid putting them in the middle of conflicts.

If there are complex dynamics present, parenting classes, family therapy, and using parallel parenting techniques can help reduce conflict. 

There are many resources to support sober parenting, including local support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), SMART Recovery, and Sober Mom Squad. These organizations offer emotional and peer support for those balancing recovery and co-parenting responsibilities. Additionally, parenting classes focused on recovery are available to help you develop healthy co-parenting strategies while maintaining your sobriety.

Additionally, the online community is a wonderful place for support while navigating life substance-free. Instagram has a plethora of resources to help you feel less alone on your journey.

Emotional abuse can include belittling, humiliation, manipulation, controlling behavior, gaslighting, and isolating you from friends or family. It’s often subtle and can leave the victim feeling confused, anxious, or inadequate.

Grief during and after a divorce can stem from the loss of a relationship, the ideal family structure, or the emotional toll of navigating a high-conflict or abusive situation. It’s important to allow yourself time to process, seek therapy or counseling, and connect with peer support groups.

If your coparent is not following the terms of your parenting plan, you can request modifications through the family court. However, it’s important to document any violations and work with legal professionals who specialize in family law and custody issues.

For guidance and best practices on how to document issues or proactively strategize to protect your family from harm, consult with The Family Court Coach (Instagram), Kaitlyn Jorgensen (Instagram) or local legal aid organizations. 

If your co-parent is using the legal system to harass or intimidate you, it’s important to keep detailed records of any communications, court filings, and incidents. Seek legal advice to understand what interventions may be available to you. The Family Violence Appellate Project (FVAP) and local legal aid offices can offer valuable resources to familiarize yourself with your available options. 

Rebuilding trust in yourself involves taking small steps to reclaim your autonomy, set healthy boundaries, and prioritize self-care, if that option is available to you. Journaling, therapy, and connecting with peer support groups are great ways to regain confidence. View the Survivor's Resources and Media, Books & Podcast pages for more tools on how to start your recovery journey.

Parental alienation is a controversial term used to describe behaviors where one parent manipulates a child to reject or disrespect the other parent, often by manipulating or distorting facts. However, this term has been heavily contested, as it stems from a movement that has been criticized for silencing survivors of abuse.

Instead of focusing on alienation, it’s crucial to look at the specific behaviors of interference, manipulation, and control that are occurring, and how they are impacting you and/or your children.

Consult with family law professionals or abuse advocates for guidance on navigating these dynamics. 

Coercive control is a pattern of controlling behaviors, often emotional, psychological, or financial, that gradually restricts a person's freedom and autonomy. This can include manipulating, threatening, or dictating where you go, who you talk to, and how you think or feel. It’s a significant part of abusive dynamics, especially in high-conflict or complex coparenting.

Some states have included coercive control in their domestic violence statutes. For example, California Family Code § 6320 (2023) defines coercive control as:

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that in purpose or effect unreasonably interferes with a person’s free will and personal liberty. Examples of coercive control include, but are not limited to, unreasonably engaging in any of the following:

(1) Isolating the other party from friends, relatives, or other sources of support.

(2) Depriving the other party of basic necessities.

(3) Controlling, regulating, or monitoring the other party’s movements, communications, daily behavior, finances, economic resources, or access to services.

(4) Compelling the other party by force, threat of force, or intimidation, including threats based on actual or suspected immigration status, to engage in conduct from which the other party has a right to abstain or to abstain from conduct in which the other party has a right to engage.

(5) Engaging in reproductive coercion, which consists of control over the reproductive autonomy of another through force, threat of force, or intimidation, and may include, but is not limited to, unreasonably pressuring the other party to become pregnant, deliberately interfering with contraception use or access to reproductive health information, or using coercive tactics to control, or attempt to control, pregnancy outcomes.

Safety during custody exchanges is critical. You can arrange exchanges in public places, use a neutral third party (such as a trusted friend or family member), or even utilize professional exchange services if available. For more safety planning tips, visit organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or local domestic violence shelters, or seek advice from a legal professional.

Improving coparenting requires setting clear boundaries, focusing on the child’s needs, and avoiding personal conflict. Practicing parallel parenting, minimizing communication, and using tools like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents can help minimize conflict. 

If needed, family therapy or mediation may also assist in managing difficult dynamics. Ultimately, it is important to remember that you can only control yourself, and what you bring to the situation. Online resources like Michelle Dempsey-Multack or Coparenting Peacefully (Instagram) are fantastic resources to help you learn what you can do to "keep your side of the street clean."

Legal custody refers to the right to make major decisions about a child's life, such as education, healthcare, and religion. Physical custody refers to where the child lives on a daily basis.

A parent with primary physical custody is responsible for the child’s care and the other parent can have visitation, the parents can jointly share physical custody, or a party can have sole physical custody.

Legal custody can be joint (shared) or sole (with one parent), or one parent can be empowered with final decision-making authority even in situations of joint legal custody.

Protecting your children's emotional well-being requires creating a stable environment, prioritizing their needs, and maintaining consistent routines. It’s also essential to avoid putting them in the middle of conflicts.

If there are complex dynamics present, parenting classes, family therapy, and using parallel parenting techniques can help reduce conflict. 

Family court can be a challenging environment, especially for survivors of abuse. The Family Violence Appellate Project (FVAP) provides legal representation for survivors appealing family court decisions. as well as precedent-setting case law for Washington and California. Many local legal aid organizations also offer assistance, and depending on your situation, it may essential to consult a legal professional specializing in family law to navigate the process.

Resources such as Kaitlyn Jorgensen, The Family Court Strategist, are also crucial in terms of helping you prepare your language and mitigate the risk of harm to you and your father through proactive and protective strategies.

Trauma-informed care is an approach to providing services that recognizes and addresses the impact of trauma. It prioritizes safety, empathy, and empowerment for survivors, ensuring they receive the support they need in a way that is sensitive to their past experiences. Seek out therapists, legal advocates, and organizations that practice trauma-informed care to support your healing journey.  

It’s crucial to document any concerning behavior and the impact it may be having on you and/or the children. Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child, and if needed, involve a therapist or family counselor to help manage these complex dynamics. Legal options may be available if the impact becomes severe.

At the end of the day, it is your duty to be your child's safe space - you are the calm in the chaos. Depending on your child's age, you can validate and acknowledge their feelings and experiences without causing further harm by speaking negatively about the other parent. It may feel impossible, but by taking the high road and instead prioritizing your child's healing, you will only strengthen and grow your bond with your child versus becoming an adversarial party.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser causes the victim to doubt their own perception, memory, or reality. Common signs include contradictions, being blamed for things that aren't your fault, or being told you're "too sensitive" or "crazy" when expressing valid concerns.